In My Own Way

(Forewarning: I wrote this while watching YouTube videos)

I can’t stand myself… That’s the name of my blog.  I can’t really say this will always be the name of my blog, but for right now, its currently my state of mind.  I don’t think its bad.  Its nice to acknowledge your own problems.  Me not being able to stand myself, to me, means that I know I tend to get in my own way.

In my head, I know exactly how I want to act in any given situation, I want to think I will control the situation, I want to think I will be empowering force in any interaction.  But, when a given situation arises, I tend to not be.  I go with the flow.  I try to be calm and even keel.  I set an expectation for myself that I will never be able to live up to, leading to me not being able to stand myself.

I mentioned in my blog “Whats Next” that I want to get big into photography and shooting videos and just being creative in general.  I believe this is where I tend to get in my own way.  I’ll have ideas, of places and people I want to shoot (with my camera).  Maybe I have a specific person in mind and certain place and I think it’ll be great, I wont ask because I just assume they’ll say “no” and I’m not too good with rejection, which kind of makes me believe that’s why I am where I am in my life.  I’m afraid to take a chance.  I want to shake things up in my life so bad.  Everything just seems so mundane.  I go to work from 8 to 5, I come home, I play video games, I go to bed.  Now I have started going to the gym, so I guess that is bettering myself.  But I want a big change, a big move like to west to Washington or south to North Carolina.  But at the end of the day, I’m told you need to have a job in place.  To a sane person, this makes sense and it does make sense to me too.

I actually got the name for this blog from a lyric from Rich Brian’s song “Cold” off his debut album Amen (I still think its so cool how he blew up because I’m fairly certain I followed him on twitter when his name his handle was @BapeHeeleys).  The name for the blog isn’t word for word with this lyric. The lyric is

You don’t get me but I don’t blame you, I don’t get myself.”

I don’t get myself either.  I feel like sometimes I go into autopilot and just do things without thought.  Kind of like if I want it and its tangible in that moment I’ll do it, but it’s the things I truly want I overthink.  I want to take great photos and video, but where’s the place and who will be available?  I want to move, but what where will I work, where will I live, how I will I make new friends, will people like me, will I like it?

I tend to think the things I like and enjoy are superior to everything else everyone else likes.  Obviously this isn’t the truth, the things I like now won’t be the things I like down the line.  I hope they will be and I can’t see why I would ever not like Twin Peaks, vinyls, and candles.  I mean I won’t hate these things, but they’ll be seen as nostalgic, touchstones of a certain time in myself.

I may have strayed from where I was going with this and if you read this word vomit I really appreciate it.  I know where all trying to figure our lives out and I know we all will, I can only hope we find our true destinies.

You may laugh at this and think I’m out of my mind or you may you find this relevant to your own life in one or another.  I’m still new to this whole blog thing and I hope I can type something more coherent.


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